Today Toronto’s disappointing mayor was removed from office over a conflict of interest. Good riddance. In the past two years since his election Rob Ford has courted mostly controversy, and limited success. He is the first and only mayor in Toronto’s history to be evicted from office, and I’m happy to see the end of his buffoonery and public embarrassments. He ran a campaign of “transparency” but when elected refused to answer reporters’ questions or make his weekly schedule available to the public, something every mayor before him had no problem with doing. What was he hiding? The fact that he wasn’t doing his job because he was too busy coaching high school football.
You might wonder how someone with his lack of skills was able to assume the highest office in Canada’s largest city. Well folks it’s not that hard, and in fact, from my experience working in the public sector, people like him are often rewarded for their underhanded and deceitful practises. With no self-awareness and the mind of a child, the sky is the limit.
So in honour of the best day ever, I have developed Rob Ford’s guide to success… and failure. Obvs.
1. Be born into a wealthy family.
2. Have below average intelligence.
3. Assume that because you are rich you are free to do whatever it is you please.
4. Don’t read.
5. Have only one interest. In Rob Ford’s case, football.
6. Lie when caught doing something wrong. When irrefutable evidence is presented that you are in fact lying, provide a back-handed apology.
7. Have your brother do your job for you. He’s smarter anyway.
8. When backed into a corner, or having a discussion with someone who disagrees with you, play dirty. Real dirty. Have no shame in assassinating their character by any means necessary.
9. If anyone challenges you, have them fired.
10. Believe you’re a dictator, stop talking to media reporters and convince some mediocre radio station to give you a show where you can spew your propaganda.
11. Never complete a full sentence.
12. When asked questions that you find difficult, blame the person asking and call him/her an “elitist.”
13. Continue to run on a platform that you’re going to clean up City Hall. Citizens love to hear that you’re going to take on the corrupted. This way you distract the public from the realities of your own corruption.
14. Take no accountability or responsibility for your actions.
15. Ensure that your only friends are high school football players and skip all your meetings to hang out with them. They’re so cool!
16. Publicly make disparaging comments about ethnic, gay, physically active and disabled people. Don’t support any of the causes that they find important.
17. Shun inclusiveness. Maintain a clear message that everyone should be just like you.
18. Run a reelection campaign with 2.5 years left in your first term. It’s not going well anyway, and your colleagues refuse to listen to you.
19. Under no circumstances listen to your peers and build consensus with your colleagues. It makes you look weak.
20. Get fired when all the above tactics become tiresome.
Good-bye Robby, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Oh yeah, and thanks for this doofus: