Posts from the ‘Gay’ Category

Men are pigs

This post might be all over the place, but I’ve tried to keep it cohesive. I’ll edit and strengthen the argument over time.

A lot of my girlfriends are dating to disastrous results. I actually feel sorry for them. The pool of men is wide and varied, but finding a diamond in this bevy of choices is excruciatingly painful.

As a gay man, you would be surprised to learn that I don’t have many gay friends. In the past I tried to make friendly connections with the people in the gay community, but I always exited politely, mildly disappointed.

A couple of years ago I participated in the Friends for Bike Rally in support of the Toronto People With AIDS Foundation. For six days 300 of us cycled from Toronto to Montreal while raising much-needed funds for an important cause.

It was the first time I had been in the company of so many gay men, and while training in lead up to the big event, I had this vision of a welcoming, accepting community, which helped ease some of the misgiving and reservations I was having.

Everyone on the ride was put into team groups. I belonged to a small team that was selected for me based on a set of criteria that the organizers had asked from me, and they were kind enough to invite me to many social gatherings during the months before departure day, but I always declined in favour of going to the cottage.

Well on the day that we all left for Montreal I was discouraged at how mean some of my team members were. Admittedly I was intimidated to be included in such a group of accomplished cyclists, and they all seemed to have the appropriate equipment, and here I was with a dinky hybrid bike, and almost no clue of how to change a tire. But they sort of held a grudge against me for cancelling so many of their barbecues. I couldn’t help but notice that one of the men in our group, who was older, and who had attended a couple of the soirees the team had organized, wanted little to do with them.

The younger guys were members of a clique and they spent a lot of time criticizing people outside of their group and making judgments about other people’s appearances. One of the individuals I was riding with kept forgetting my name, only he was pretending to forget it, and while at rest stops he would ask where I was, when I was standing right next to him. I think he was trying to make me feel small, to make me “know my place in the hierarchy” but to me, he was just embarrassing himself.

Then there were a lot of sex jokes. Endless amount of sex jokes. Usually when riding on busy streets the cyclists above would indicate for those behind them when the pavement became too uneven, or if there was a pot hole that could prove dangerous. This was a friendly gesture, to ensure no injuries occurred on the trip. The men were fond of yelling out “manhole” to which the reply was always, “I’ll show you a manhole.” Funny, but gross.

Now I don’t meant to elevate myself above this type of humour, I definitely enjoy a dirty joke from time to time, but after a while it got old. I kept trying to turn the conversation into something more meaningful, or serious, like politics, but the topic would always return to sex.

After about six days I was fed up by these people. Especially with the endless amount of cruising and sex noises that came from the tents each night. I was with Keith at the time, as he was volunteering by driving one of the vans around, and people kept coming up to me to ask if we were together. But that still didn’t stop many of them from flirting or shamelessly putting the moves on one or both of us.

On the third day of our trip I was getting a deep massage in one of the tents, as this was provided for free by the organizers. The massage therapists, all men, would cruise at the other men passing the tent and make their usual comments about what they thought, or felt, about their bodies. I learned that they were ass men. At this point I was irritated by this thoughtless, automatic routine, and would roll my eyes as my only means of protest. I mean I was lying there trying to enjoy a deep massage.

But then I got more irritated, and I’ll tell you why. My therapist started to simulate sex with me as he was massaging me!!! Like dry humping me in mid-air.

Clearly irritated, I got up and said, “If I were a woman, this would be completely inappropriate.” I thought he would apologize but instead he insulted me, saying that I was narrow-minded, and needed to relax. I believe he uttered something about me being uncomfortable about my own sexuality.

Well, I’ve never been single, and I’ve had a lot of sex in my life, more than most people, I can say confidently, so maybe that’s why I’m not so obsessed with it. Maybe it is true that the people who talk the most about sex are the people who don’t get enough of it. Anyway, I corrected him, told him that I was travelling with my boyfriend, and that I would prefer a massage without any sexual advances, feigned or otherwise.

After that confrontation I was the source of a lot of stares and gossip from people I didn’t even know. Because of this incident, and because I defended myself, they behaved as though I was the problem.

I started to remember why I preferred the company of women.

This is not to say that I think ALL GAY MEN are like this. I’m not, and I know of others who are not also. But I believe that most men, gay and straight are sex obsessed. I know, news flash! It’s not a gay thing, it’s a MAN thing.

The difference is that straight men have to work harder to get sex, while gay men know exactly what they want and just cut through all the bullshit and hit the sack.

Most of my girlfriends go on dates with men who appear to be wonderful, only to witness their personalities turn ugly when they realize they’re not going to get any sex after.

It’s almost like their penises take control of their brains, and they start to blame women for turning them on. This is quite similar to men who think that a woman is asking to be raped if she dresses provocatively.

Ummm… no, women can dress however they please, it’s up to men to control their primitive impulses that incline them to rape and pillage.

But in my experiences with men, I do notice that they make a lot of excuses for themselves, especially when it comes to sex.

The prevailing notion is that they are genetically predisposed to procreate. They HAVE to spread their seed, sort of speak. I guess I could understand that excuse if we didn’t also have this thing called a brain that helps us reason and form logical responses to illogical and irrational stimuli.

Sex isn’t just about procreation, it also feels good, and men are hedonists, that’s the point. A man loves to stimulate his penis, even if he’s not a good performer, or bothers to consider his partner’s pleasure.

And because we live in a society that places value on how sexy a person is, the world has been tailor-made to not have them think. People are filled with so much insecurity that any male cipher can become a hero in some part of the world.

In the gay community there are a plethora of “hookup” sites. From Manhunt, to Grindr, to… well there are many. I had a Manhunt account for a while and tried a trial version of Grindr for seven days, because I was curious. Plus I’ve never been single so I wanted to know what all of the fuss was about, and perhaps gain a more thorough understanding of why so many gays swear by these sites.

Also when you’re in a relationship you sometimes miss out on the adventures of being single.

You see when I was in Argentina, a lot of people told me that the only way I could meet other gay men was to go on Manhunt. Though Argentina is a progressive nation, they hold tight to rigid arbitrary gender stereotypes and rules, and gay men pride themselves on their masculinity. They don’t have a lot of tolerance for effeminite gay guys.

I was assured by more than one person that Manhunt was the ONLY way to meet gay friends. So I tried. My Manhunt profile had a picture of my face, and a description informing people that I was in a relationship and only looking for friends, not sex. I was put-off by the blatant pornographic advertisements, but as this is the norm of almost all reputable gay publications, including the Advocate, I just felt it was par for the course.

Clearly I was a delusional, naive idiot, because no one wanted to speak with me, and many others ignored my profile description and still tried to hookup with me for sex. So I deleted my account, secure in the knowledge that a site called Manhunt is aptly named.

I was able to meet some gay people though typical means, but oddly even they reiterated that the only way to meet other gay men was on Manhunt, and that was in fact the way they had all met each other. After a while, I learned that most of them had slept with each other, and were intimately aware of one another’s sexual history, present and future.

Does anyone blame me for not wanting to be involved in this type of culture? Does this make me a prude, really? I want to have gay friends, but I don’t want to have that close of a relationship; I would prefer having some level of privacy!

Another thing that surprised me about these sites was how mean-spirited the profiles were. A lot of gay men spend much of their time at the gym. They like to espouse the benefits of a “healthy” lifestyle and to them being healthy means six-pack abs and pectoral muscles. It’s obvious to me that health is not the most important factor here, but rather vanity is. If they were interested in health they wouldn’t smoke, drink and take as many drugs as they do.

This emphasis on appearance permitted many of these men to ask that those who reach out for a connection adhere to their lofty standards, but I also noticed a distaste for “queens”, “fatties”, and “Asians”. That’s right, there’s a huge prejudice towards Asian people on these sites and though it’s a personal choice to be a bigot, I was surprised with how this bias was tolerated.

I’m assuming that the dislike for Asians is routed in the stereotype that they have small penises, and believe me penis size is openly discussed, and important to gay men, especially on these sites. Everyone has an extra-large penis, if their profiles are to be believed.

So gay men provide a forum to find sex easily, while straight men have to settle for Plenty of Fish and LavaLife? I don’t know if these sites still operate, I only hear about them from my girlfriends.

It’s odd to me that so many men choose to accept this type of behaviour as a rule of thumb, rather than attempting to enhance their minds, past the possibility for sex.

I’m not saying that sex isn’t an important part of life, I’m not a prude when it comes to sex, trust me. But if the stories my girlfriends tell me are to be believed, along with my experiences on gay hookup sites, then it’s obvious that men have an unhealthy obsession with sex that the Internet is only making worse.

Is it how we raise men that leads them to believe that this behaviour is appropriate? Are they truly incapable of respecting anyone outside their physical traits? Are they so devoid of any emotional substance?

Certainly something with how men are nurtured is at play here. To only see people as a means to an end is disheartening and even disturbing.

We often hear that if two people want to use each other for sex than that’s okay. I guess. I mean, sure if that’s what they want to do then fine, but what does that say about their character?

Anonymous sex seems boring, scary and essentially disappointing as you’re always left alone with the possibility that you’ve each acquired an STI. Is that one moment when a man orgasms, worth all the effort, and subterfuge he’s put into acquiring it?

So my girlfriends keep searching for Mr. Right. I keep thinking that they’re going to have to settle for someone eventually, especially since many of them are reaching the age where they may want to have children. But I’ll stay positive, and hopeful.

I’ll tell you what I mean by settling. I have a few girlfriends who are in relationships with men who are uncomfortable around gay people. They’re always trying to display their alpha superiority and can’t accept that they may know less about something than a gay person. Why do my girlfriends choose to spend their lives with these men, considering that most of their best friends are gay? Because they’ve run out of time, that’s why!

The others, the ones who are still dating, well they can’t even get their dates to call them back after they’ve simmered their burgeoning sexual advances. Even the apparent good ones seem like their priorities are mixed up.

Men are pigs.