What it feels like for a man

I was having a conversation with a friend this past weekend and she mentioned a colleague of hers who expressed disdain for anything feminine. The shocking part is that her colleague is a woman.

This got me thinking about the female chauvinist pig. Women who adopt conventional, even stereotypical male views about women. Apparently my friend’s co-worker had a crush on a male friend of hers, and in her mission to learn more about him, discovered that he had effeminate qualities. No, he is not gay, just perfectly comfortable with embracing all sides of his personality. She conveyed disgust in observing this about him, and made disparaging remarks about his womanly qualities, comparing them to weakness.

It’s nothing that I haven’t heard about before, and much like Cornflake Girl, women are often the worst to one another, all too willing to stab each other in the back with a stiletto heel, especially if it means obtaining the attention of a male suitor. In my personal opinion, it’s always best to be the raisin.

This idea that femininity is weak bothers me for many reasons. First, men get a lot of free passes and are often rewarded if they can articulately identify an emotion or a feeling. The pervasive idea is that the feminine is weak, and it is used to degrade and oppress women the world over. However, the philosophy behind this belief is rancid, and weaker than the personal qualities it attacks.

In countries operating under biblical law, women are forced to cover their entire bodies, over fear that they may entice a man sexually. How this makes sense to anyone is appalling to me. First of all, shouldn’t it be expected of men to control their primal desires, and rather than forcing women to hide behind veils, they should resist the urge to rape? Why are we obligating women to be ashamed of their sexuality, when men can’t control their erections? Isn’t the latter what we should be addressing? Isn’t that the real problem?

Pornography bothers me for many reasons, but none greater than the simplistic depiction of sex as a power play between men and women. Good sex is not confined to dominant and submissive roles, but it’s widely accepted by our global society that a woman’s role is to serve the needs of men.

Look at how male and female athletes are depicted on the cover of magazines. Male athletes are often dressed in suits, lauded for their masculine characteristics. Female athletes are more scantily dressed and only achieve respect from men if they are attractive, sexy and desirable. Their talent, and the substance of their character are afterthoughts.

Many moons ago an acquaintance of mine was gushing about her new boyfriend. “He reads,” she confessed. “He’s the first boyfriend I’ve had who enjoys reading books.” I asked her to name a few of the authors that he likes, and when she did I wasn’t surprised to learn that they were all men. I told her that I read a lot too, but my interests are varied, and consist of male, female, gay, straight, black and white authors.

I was disappointed with her response because she should expect her boyfriend to be interested in female writers, actors, intellectuals, academics, etc. We should be raising our boys to believe that what a woman thinks is equally valid as that of a man. We shouldn’t make young men feel ashamed to admit that they enjoy learning about the world through a female perspective.

These roles that are presented to us are insulting, because they limit both sexes into black and white, restrictive archetypes that we then consider standards that everyone should strive for. It does nothing to further understanding of one another.

Perhaps what we should accept is that sexuality (and I’m not talking about gay or straight, but about our innate nature of feminine and masculine characteristics) exists on a spectrum, and if we’re open and fearless enough, we might learn to love ourselves for what we are, without conforming to boxes created for us to make the rest of the world comfortable.

I feel bad for my friend’s colleague. She is limiting herself in ways she can’t imagine by judging her crush for being comfortable with who he is, and uninterested with how other people expect him to behave. Perhaps if she ever does find a boyfriend, he’ll most likely be as closed-minded as she is, and how unfortunate is it that she’ll never embrace how wonderfully diverse the human species is.